If you are even slightly impulsive or have been so a few times, you would have some day picked up the pen and written this blog. Today it was my impulsive turn.
It’s about time the word ‘impulsive’ gets listed in the curse-word category. And if we kept it up as a society, it would probably find a place in the Penal Code too.
Reasons? Oh there are a million. The long-term consequences. The grief that would follow. The humiliation over the results. The public view of your stupidity and so forth. They have often bored me to death.
I am not proud of my occasional impulsiveness. But I am not ashamed of it either. Whenever I have acted on impulse, I have acted immediately without thinking. For me, it was a moment when I didn’t let my adult-self make a mental analysis of the situation and come up with a better idea. I had not let my manipulative self come out with a gross picture of the consequences. In my impulsiveness, I have acted like a child. I have let my feelings get the better of me. So what it all went wrong later? Big deal!
I have always been a firm believer of the concept that our first reaction is often our most natural. What you do later or after careful thought probably elicits more shades of a cultivated personality. Lots of wrong choices add to bad decisions that over the years become experience. A comparison of such experiences probably adds to maturity. And you succeed in making a few good decisions. My concern is THAT never lasts any longer. You need God, more support, more experiences, people etc to pull you through life’s rough paths.
Joining the Times of India, for instance, was a thoughtful decision that was both right and wrong. Right because it demonstrated for me the uglier side of the media. Wrong because despite knowing these facts, I had decided to join it anyway. Leaving it, however, was a pretty impulsive decision. And I haven’t regretted it for a moment in all these years.
Personally, yes, I have hurt people in my impulsiveness. But, in the long run, I realized none of that mattered. What really mattered or stayed with me were the pricks of conscience over how I let some people go, after careful analysis. It’s like I can forgive myself more easily when I act on impulse. Thankfully, the God up there forgives me regardless of the intentions.
I condemn myself more for hurting people knowingly or consciously. What amazes me is how the people who really loved or mattered also found it easier to forgive my impulsive self, since they knew me too well.
When you act on impulse, you don’t manipulate. You don’t have time for it. Your adrenaline rushes in such speed that before you know it, one of your senses has already acted. I find this human. And no matter how my adult self-abhors it, my mind knows it’s only natural to react.
So whenever, desperate with emotions, I have let my guard down, I have really spoken my mind. And if I have acted falsely in my impulsiveness, it has something to do with what’s going on inside of me. I don’t see a point in improving/controlling my reactions when they are only the projection of my inner being. So if there is anything that needs cleansing, it’s my inside.